Life of Buraian: Navigating "the Hub of India", and other facts about traveling to Bangalore from San Francisco

Let's get right down to business. If you're flying to India, like I just did, you've got a couple options. 1. Fly Jet Airways and navigate "the Hub of India", Bombay International Airport. 2. Fly another airline, and never forgive yourself for making this post essentially useless. You chose #1? Good idea.

Now that you've chosen #1, here's what you have to look forward to: 2 tips, 4 facts, and your guide to navigating the Bombay International Airport, "the Hub of India".

Tip: Make sure you don't have your first and last names mixed up on your ticket. Or, make sure you are Indian.

Like any memorable trip, my flight got off to just the right start: my ticket was invalid and I had to buy a new one at the counter. The travel agent who set up my itinerary switched my last and first names--spelled correctly, mind you--and the counter agent wouldn’t let me fly. Unless I bought a new ticket. Here's the crazy thing, though. My Indian colleagues' tickets were set up the same way, and nobody noticed!

First Bonus: Here's a direct quote from the lady at the ticket counter: "Maybe if your name had been spelled wrong, with one letter different or an extra letter, it would be okay. But Bryan is nothing like Green." What?!

Second Bonus: The ticket they give you if you buy it last minute is the same type they used in the 1960s. Carbon paper. Illegible handwriting. Dependence on staples rather than confirmation codes. Keep this in mind for when you arrive at the Bombay International Airport...

Tip: Don't find a seat after you order your food at the airport. Stand by the pick-up window and be in attack mode.

The ticketing process took quite a long time, so Rika and I ate a rushed dinner from a Japanese restaurant in the airport. After we ordered, we went to an open booth not 10 feet from the counter. When our katsudon was done, the same guy who took our order called our number (apparently...we couldn't hear it)...and then gave it to another person!

We found no evidence of the pilfered katsudon.

Fact: You can say you've been to China.

Yes, a flight on Jet Airways includes the much anticipated "layover in Shanghai". What did I do for my two hours in Shanghai? The same thing everyone else did. Disembark the plane and sit in a walled off terminal with guards at the one (and only) exit. On the plus side, the terminal had about four fewer toilets than would have been available had we stayed on the plane.

Fact: Be Kind, Rewind is a pretty good movie. Drillbit Taylor...has its moments.

You may or may not be able to see Be Kind Rewind. If you're flying in the next two weeks, there's a chance. Here's the shimmy: Jack Black magnetizes an entire contents of a failing video store, so he and Mos Def come up with the idea to re-shoot the movies for their demanding customers. They make short remakes ("Sweded movies") and try to make enough money to save the video store. It is a clever movie, well-executed and perfect for Jack Black. You'll be entertained.

Drillbit Taylor had its moments. In case you don't know, three weenie nerds in high school hire Owen Wilson to be their bodyguard against the school bully. That's it. The kids did an admirable job, I thought, though any scene involving a parent was excruciating. Owen Wilson's performance wasn't very inspired, but he too had his moments. The best thing about this movie, however, is the new perspective you get on substitute teachers...

Fact: Jet Airways' economy class is the most comfortable you'll ever sit in.

The total flying time on Jet Airways' route is about 20 hours. 12 to Shanghai, 6 to Mumbai, and 2 to Bangalore. And you know what? It wasn't that bad. The seats were comfortable (and not just in a "tolerable" way), the food was good, and even the lighting was nice. Jet Airways has raised the bar.

Fact: Driving from the Bangalore International Airport to the city of Bangalore is not a harrowing, death-defying experience. It just feels that way.

What a great way to have the point driven home that you're not in the US anymore. My driver picked me up at the airport and then drove the 20 miles back to Bangalore while accomplishing the following things: pedal-to-the-floor acceleration only (no half-assing that part), braking at the last possible moment at all times, maintaining a horn honking to total driving ratio of greater than 50%, spending a grand total of 2 minutes actually within lane boundaries, and spending entirely too much time looking at me while we talked instead of the road.

What made it all work? Everyone is driving exactly the same way.

Now, on to the real value add of this post (for everyone named Rika about to fly to Bangalore):

A guided tour of "the Hub of India", the Bombay International Airport:

"Namastay, I'll be your tour guide today, let's get started. Congratulations on surviving the landing. The bouncing and swerving isn't really as scary as it seems. You just have to get used to it.

"Make a point to jump into the aisle and grab your bags from the overhead compartments as soon as possible. Then stand there impatiently.

"You'll notice that deplaning takes an excruciatingly long time. That's because the planes don't actually go to the terminal. Everyone has to exit from the same door and walk one-by-one down stairs and onto the tarmac, hop on a bus, and be driven to the terminal. Yep, all 300+ passengers, going down wet rainy stairs one-by-one. And if the bus isn't there, everyone just stays on the plane.

"Once you get into the terminal, you'll notice all of the construction. This is entirely necessary, as the Bombay International Airport looks like it was first built about 50 years ago, to handle that amount of traffic. And as you look at it, you can't help but wonder if it's been in a similar state of construction since that time.

"Immigration goes very quickly. India is ready to let in pretty much anybody. Bombay International Airport is the anti-LAX.

"Picking up your bags from the carousel is good fun, too. Follow the crowd around the corner to a conveyor belt that is about half the size of those found in a large modern airport. Then make a point of getting a cart and pushing it right up to the edge. If there is at least four inches between two people standing at the belt, feel free to squeeze in. And when you grab your bag, don't hesitate to use a neighbor to help you stop the momentum of the bag. Remember, this is India. It's important to be first.

"As you walk with your bag down the hall, you'll see the customs guy there. Smile at him and he'll just wave you by. Why? He's just there to wave people along. There are a lot of jobs like that in India.

"At the doorway, you'll see a guy in military dress. He's going to actually take your little customs ticket. That is, if you can get past the throng of people who have managed to stop right in front of him for some reason.

"Once you get through that gate, you get to check-in again for your domestic flight. Follow the hallway and you'll see the baggage scanner to your left. Scan the bags and head to the makeshift check-in counter to the right. Have an e-ticket with you because nobody there knows how to read paper tickets anymore. If you have a paper ticket, however--say because "Bryan is nothing like Green"--you get to wait there for 30 minutes instead of sitting in the chairs or getting on the bus.

"Once they accept your ticket, you can go get on the bus for the domestic terminal. This is good fun, especially if you get a seat on the right. As you leave the domestic terminal, here are some things you should keep an eye out for. First, notice that the bus pays little to no attention to lanes or other vehicles on the road. This is India. As you go past a large reddish tower, you will see half a plane on your right. The other half is on the ground near it. Your guess is as good as mine why there are the seeming remnants of a plane crash sitting in full view of EVERY PASSENGER ABOUT TO FLY THERE.

"Then, as you round the perimeter of the airport, you will see some genuine Mumbai slums. The majority of "houses" have blue tarps for roofs and are made out of things like corrugated metal. Note the lack of shoes on any people you see. But don't let that keep your eyes from the road, however, as the final turn to the domestic terminal offers your bus driver a chance to pass numerous slow vehicles and play a game of chicken with an oncoming truck.

"At the domestic terminal you will find...a huge, expensive, fairly modern airport. Marble floors, large windows, food vendors... You can exchange money at the little place to the right of the entrance (but don't expect them to be in any hurry to do it) and you can even buy a hot dog or Baskin Robbins next door (but I wouldn't). As you walk toward the left-most security check-in, take a hard left and you'll find a bookstore next to a small cafe. At the cafe you can order a famous "Mumbai Vada Paw" for 15 Rupees (40 cents) and if you're a connoisseur of fine foods, a "Grilled cheese sandwich with Chutney" for 75 Rupees ($1.75). They are pretty good.

"After you've eaten, head through the right-most security check-in and get in line for the bus to your plane. Look up to see a giant sign that says, "Mumbai, the Hub of India". Be inspired to write a blog post about "Navigating the Hub of India".

"After the bus takes you back out onto the tarmac, you can walk in the rain to your plane. When you find your seat, make a point of accepting the little bottle of lemon juice from the flight attendant. That's right, not lemonade, lemon juice. Now that your faced is in its fully scrunched and upright position, enjoy your flight to Bangalore!"